Dec 30, 2008

        Today we’re going to the Cormorant Inn! I’m in a very good mood and am looking forward to the next couple days. After we woke up this morning Scott went to his place to get cleaned up and packed so I have a little bit of time to write. When I went to bed I woke him up with some kisses and we had sex again. He really is so good to me. I can’t wait to have him in this weird, themed hotel room. I wonder what sitting in his truck together for four hours will be like.

        I’m going to pack some of my nicer clothes, but for the ride I’ll wear my sweats. He said there’s a bar, restaurant, and lobby in this hotel. I doubt there’s any sort of expectation to look nice, but I’ll bring my nicer jeans and a couple sweaters. Maybe I’ll even pack my sweatervest. My skirt and tights are still dirty from Christmas, so jeans will have to do.

        I have to go. I’m going to shower and get my things together, and Scott is going to pick me up in about an hour. I don’t know when I’ll be able to write my next entry.

***

        It’s about 1:30 am and I’m sitting in the lobby of this cozy little hotel with a glass of wine. All the staff is gone and I’m here alone in front of a faux fireplace in an oversized cushioned chair with a bearskin rug on the floor. It’s a four story log cabin type thing with a bar and lobby and a little restaurant. Our room is on the third floor, and it was just as garish and obnoxious as I’d wanted.

        Scott went to sleep in the bed with a large heart-shaped headboard. It was so hard to leave him laying in it after the night we had. I want him right now, but he doesn’t want me, and I want to write. I brought my copy of The Terror just in case he decides to come out here and look for me. I think I could tell him I’m just writing my thoughts about whatever book I’m reading, unless he demands to read what I’m writing, but I don’t know if he would go that far.

        I’m so happy to be here right now. I do feel like we’re in another world, isolated in its own way, but other people are around, and it feels like we’ve shown that we can be in public together without things getting too strange.

        The ride from Lake of the Woods wasn’t so bad, except I kept falling asleep and my head kept lolling onto my chest and I even drooled, which is quite embarrassing. Scott kept waking me up and telling me I could get into the backseat–his truck has backseats and he always keeps blankets back there but I insisted I’d stay awake despite my inability to do so. He thinks it's strange how easily I can fall asleep during the day but not at night. I told him it's because I’m uneasy in the dark, which is somewhat true.

        I took my phone with me, and I went through my texts and missed calls. My parents had both tried to call and text a couple of times, so I called both of them and told them that I’d lost my charger for a couple of days and had to buy a new one and my car battery had died so I needed a jump before I could replace it. My dad bought the excuse right away but my mom took a bit more convincing. She’d also messaged me on Facebook, why hadn’t I responded? I told her I hadn’t been on social media because of the breakup with Paul. It seemed like changing the subject to the breakup made her forget about pressing me and she asked me if I’d talked to him at all and I said no, that I didn’t have any desire to.

        I was trying to keep my voice low even though Scott could hear me. I wondered what he thought about my lying, and I hoped I was just bad enough at it that I wouldn’t diminish his trust in me. I wanted these shameful calls to end, so I was short with my answers and didn’t ask many questions. My dad doesn’t pick up on emotions very well so I don’t think he noticed anything amiss, but I think my mom did, so I tried to play up my depression about the breakup. Eventually she seemed satisfied with my answers and we hung up.

        I had a couple of messages from Paul asking if I was okay. I frowned and deleted them. My roommate had messaged me “Merry Christmas!” That was all as far as people trying to contact me, and I was relieved when I finished looking at everything. I shoved my phone in my jacket pocket but left it on. At least I’d have a couple of days with service in case my parents call or message more.

        I sighed. “That was annoying.” I rolled down the window, fished out a cigarette, and lit it.

        Scott squeezed my thigh. “I really don’t understand why you can’t tell them you came home for break.”

        I took a long drag from my cigarette, hating that I had to lie even more. “I just can’t. Please trust me. You don’t know my mom. She would flip out if she knew I was in that house by myself. Besides, do you want me to tell them where I am now?”

        He retracted his hand and didn’t reply.

        I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Scott. She stresses me out. I didn’t mean it like that.”

        “It’s alright,” he said tersely and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel.

        I took a few more puffs from my cigarette as we sat in silence. I felt suddenly guilty, like everyone who knew me would be angry with me if they knew what I was doing. I felt the itchy feeling, the discomfort of being alone with myself, unable to escape or be honest with anyone. I sighed, my breath deep and wavering.

        “Are you okay?” Scott asked, his voice softened.

        All at once I felt a deep ache in my chest and my eyes blurred with tears. “I’m sorry. I’m okay,” I said as I mopped my eyes with my palm. I threw my cigarette out the window and rolled it up.

        “Hey…Christine, what’s wrong?” he asked and rubbed my shoulder.

        I shook my head. “I just…I just feel bad. I don’t like making things up like that, but it’s my fault I didn’t do the paperwork with the school in time. I was panicking with finals and everything and missed the deadline. I’ve never had to stay in the dorms over the holidays before.” I paused and used the neck of my sweatshirt to wipe my eyes and nose. “I just don’t like her to know when I’m struggling…it always makes everything so much worse.” All of these things were true, in a sense, and I felt relieved not having to completely lie to him.

        “It’s alright, Christine. If you want I can remind you to call them more often so they don’t worry. You’ll be back at school in a few days and it’ll be like nothing happened.”

        I stared ahead of me at the road, my sobs subsiding. “Like nothing happened,” I said absently, thinking of the absurdity of the statement. If I were to go back to school, which wasn’t likely, it could never be like nothing happened. He’d already changed me for the duration of my life. Did he not realize that, or was he just trying to soothe me with filler words?

        As though he was listening to my thoughts he shook his head quickly. “I just mean you can go back, resume your life, and they never have to know you fibbed about it.”

        “Yeah. Resume my life,” I muttered. As though what was happening at that moment wasn’t part of my life, like what we were doing together was my life on pause and not possibly one of the most impactful parts of it.

        I didn’t want to get into what he was probably assuming I was thinking about. Would we still talk once I was back in school? Would he ever want to see me again? Part of me wanted to know the answers, in a hypothetical sense, but part of me didn’t. Why introduce more pain? I’m not going back to school and I want to enjoy the days I have left. I pulled my sweatshirt hood over my head and laid it down by the window and closed my eyes, and soon I fell asleep again.

        When we arrived at the Cormorant Inn I woke up, startled by how quickly the drive had passed and surprised by how unassuming the hotel looked from the outside. It was a large log cabin building with an A-framed front and there weren't as many cars in the parking lot as I’d expected. “This is a hotel with themed rooms and jacuzzis?” I asked as we gathered our bags from the back of the truck. “It looks like just another fishing resort or something.”

        Scott winked and kissed my cheek as he took my bag from me. “That’s the charm.”

        It was about 3 pm and we went inside to check in and there was a young woman at the counter. Scott consulted with her while I walked into the lobby and looked around. It was busy with a few families hanging out in the lobby drinking together, and a crowd around the bar. I glanced into the restaurant and it was pretty empty, but that made sense given the time of day. I walked back over to Scott and he handed me a plastic room key.

        “We’re on the third floor,” he said and gestured to a little elevator.

        “This is so cute, Scott!” I said as we entered and waited for our floor. I pressed my lips against his and we kissed deeply, and just as the door opened a couple of middle-school aged boys laughed when they saw us. “Sorry!” I said as we cringed and left the elevator and they went down.

        “Oops,” Scott said.

        I chuckled. “Gotta keep it family friendly, I guess.”

        “For now,” he said and winked.

        I followed him to our room and when we entered it didn’t disappoint me. “Wow!” I said as I looked around. It was faithful to the theme, probably to a fault for most people. The carpet was hot pink, and the wallpaper had flowing red hearts on a white background. The bedding was red, and the headboard was a giant pink heart. I made my way to the bathroom, which was less themed, but had a large jacuzzi next to the shower. The shower curtain had pink and white flowers and there was a large red heart rug in the middle of the floor. I went back into the bedroom where Scott had set down our bags and was unpacking beer and wine into the mini fridge.

        “Well, I dunno about you but I’m feeling the love in this room,” I said.

        He glanced up at me after closing the door to the mini fridge. “Yeah? You like it?”

        I laughed. “I love it! It’s exactly what I wanted.” I put my arms around him, our jackets still on, and kissed him. “This was so sweet of you. Thank you.”

        “I’m gonna have to focus on you ‘cos this place might give me a migraine,” Scott said, smiling, before he took his jacket off and threw it on a chair next to a small desk.

        I followed suit and laid my jacket over his. I took him in my arms and pressed my lips to his. We had clean, pleasant sex on the heart bed and just laid together for a while afterwards.

        “For a bed that’s supposed to be for lovers, that headboard is kinda…” he trailed off and knocked on the board.

        I giggled. “A little loud? Yeah…hopefully the neighbors weren’t in their rooms,” I said. “Maybe we’re supposed to fuck in the jacuzzi.”

        He kissed me. “We can arrange that later, after dinner if that sounds alright.”

        It was around 4 pm. I hadn’t eaten yet and was hungry, but it felt a bit early for dinner. “Yeah that sounds good. What time do we wanna eat? Is there a pool here?”

        Scott laughed. “A pool? Yeah, I think so. You wanna go swimming?”

        I’d brought a swimsuit I found in my closet just in case, but hadn’t tried it on. “I dunno. Could be fun.” I got out of the bed and rummaged through my bag to find the swimsuit. I pulled out hot pink bikini bottoms and a halter style bikini top. “Don’t laugh. I don’t even know if this will still fit me,” I said as I pulled the bottoms on.

        Scott furrowed his brows. “Looks a little small but I dunno if it’s supposed to be that way or not.”

        I pulled the top on and laughed. “Oh my god! My boobs have grown. Ugh, I don’t think I can go out in this.” I walked into the bathroom and examined myself. My breasts were about to fall out of the top, and the bottoms made a significant indent in my butt cheeks. I was mortified. How much weight had I gained in the last two years? “Oh my god, I’m so fat!” I exclaimed as I continued to examine myself from various angles.

        “You look better without the suit,” Scott said from the other room.

        I walked back over to the bedroom and rummaged through my bag. I had a black oversized tee-shirt that I pulled over my head. “If guys can swim in a tee-shirt ‘cos of their man boobs I can wear one, can’t I?”

        Scott chuckled. “You’re really set on going to the pool? There’s gonna be kids in there, which means piss. Lots of piss.”

        I shrugged. “That’s what the chemicals are for.”

        He sighed. “I didn’t bring anything to swim in.”

        I pouted. “Seriously?”

        He shook his head and raised an eyebrow. “There’s a jacuzzi in here.”

        “It’s not the same. How about I just go for a little bit? I’m feeling a little restless,” I said and looked at him, pleading.

        He smiled, but looked a bit hurt. “Yeah, if that’s what you want. Wanna shoot to be ready for dinner around six?”

        I nodded. “Yeah, I’ll come back and shower and stuff. I can be ready by then.” I sat on the side of the bed and kissed him.

        “I’ll miss you, Christine. You’re not fat, by the way,” he said.

        I grabbed a towel and my plastic room key before heading into the hallway. I felt a little embarrassed about wearing the tee-shirt to the pool, but I felt like nothing mattered, and I wanted to have fun while I was still alive. As a child I’d always loved hotel pools, and the inhibitions I would have normally had just weren’t there. I was aware of the cuts on my legs, and I hadn’t swam in public since I started the nasty habit, but I thought about how often I looked at other people’s calves and thought people wouldn’t notice as much as one would think.

        I took the elevator down and followed the signs to the pool room. The smell of chlorine was oppressive and welcoming at once, and I used the little keycard to enter the room. It was warm and humid, which I liked in contrast to the dry cold air I’d gotten used to since being in Lake of the Woods.

        The pool was larger and deeper than I’d expected, with the deep end being six feet deep, and there was a hot tub in the corner. Chairs, lounges, and little tables surrounded the pool, and there was a little wooden container with pool toys like floaties, tubes, and noodles. A handful of kids were playing Marco Polo; two teenage boys, a teenage girl, and a couple of younger children. Normally I’d have felt intimidated to swim with teenagers since they always seemed to make fun of me, but I didn’t care then. I found an empty lounge chair and set down my towel and room key.

        I stepped to the edge of the pool and contemplated whether to just jump in or take the steps. Feeling reckless, I walked over to the deep end, plugged my nose, and did a canon ball. The cold water shocked me as I became submerged, and as I resurfaced I shivered and swam to the side ledge to hang on while I decided what to do next. The shirt felt uncomfortable, the fabric hovering around me, but I didn’t want to take it off in front of these kids.

        I dipped myself downward as I took in the scene around me, the water level just under my nose. One of the teenage boys caught my attention, as he was the blind one playing Marco Polo, and he was headed in my direction as the teenage girl was also in the deep end, just a few feet away from me. He was thin and wiry with curly brown hair and thick, dark eyebrows and eyelashes, and although he was in the water he looked to be quite tall since he didn’t have to paddle to keep his head above the water.

        “Marco!” he shouted as he flailed about blindly.

        The girl came a bit closer to me as she sputtered “Polo!”

        Before I knew it the boy’s hand was in my face. “Got you!” he exclaimed.

        I laughed and pushed his hand away. “I’m not playing,” I said.

        He opened his eyes and they were light blue. He recoiled from me. “Shit, I’m so sorry,” he said.

        The girl laughed and swam towards the shallow end. “You’re a dumbass, Kyle.”

        “I haven’t played Marco Polo in so long,” I said to him as I let myself go from the ledge and tread water.

        He smiled. “Yeah? We always play when we go swimming. It’s kind of a tradition.”

        “Looks fun,” I said. “Are you here with your siblings?”

        He nodded. “Yeah, that bitch is my sister, Kayla,” he said and splashed in her general direction even though she was too far away to be affected.

        I smiled. “How many siblings do you have?”

        He pointed to a young boy who looked to be eight or nine. “He’s my brother, Ethan. So three of us kids. Kayla’s boyfriend is here too,” he said and pointed to an older boy sitting in one of the lounge chairs.

        “Your parents just like…bring you all here?” I asked.

        He nodded. “Yeah, we come here every year over winter break.”

        I felt a pang of envy and ducked my head under the water for a moment and slicked my hair back to get it out of my face. “Sounds like you have a nice family,” I said.

        “Why are you wearing that shirt?” he asked, looking me over.

        I sighed. “I got too fat for my swimsuit,” I said.

        “You don’t look fat to me,” he said and ducked under the water.

        I swam back a little, feeling uncomfortable that he might be looking at my body under the water.

        He popped back up. “Naw, not fat,” he said and smiled. He had braces on. “You look like a gymnast.”

        I rolled my eyes. “I wish. I’ve never been good at gymnastics.”

        “Are you on vacation too?” he asked.

        I wondered why this boy was still talking to me, but it felt good that someone other than Scott was acknowledging me. “Yeah, I guess.”

        “Are your parents here?” he asked.

        I laughed and shook my head. Did he think I was still a kid? “No, I’m here with my boyfriend.”

        For a moment it looked like his eyes dropped. “Ah. Well, what’s your name?”

        “Christine,” I said. “And you’re Kyle?”

        He nodded. “We should play chicken with Kayla and Ben. You look strong.”

        I was taken aback and blushed. “Um…”

        “Kyle!” Kayla exclaimed from the shallow end. “Are we playing or not?”

        He swam towards her and I kept treading water in the deep end. “We should play chicken,” he said. “You and Ben versus me and Christine!”

        She glared at me with disgust. “With that girl?”

        All at once I wanted to disappear. I put up my hands and raised my eyebrows in a way I hoped would suggest it was not my idea. I felt like I was in eleventh grade again–that time where boys started to like me but girls did not.

        She narrowed her eyes, examining me. I ducked under the water and dove to the bottom. I let out all the air from my lungs and tried to keep myself on the floor of the pool as long as I could. I felt the pressure in my ears, and it didn’t take long for my lungs to scream at me to resurface. I pushed myself up and inhaled the air deeply just in time to hear Kayla say, “I guess, if she wants to play.”

        Kyle swam over to me. “She said she wants to play.”

        “What about him?” I asked and gestured to Ben, who was still lounging on the chair.

        Kyle turned to Ben. “Wanna play chicken? I found a partner!”

        Ben was a stockier boy than Kyle, with dirty blonde hair and almond shaped blue eyes. He shrugged. “Sure, I don’t care.”

        It’d been years since I had played chicken. In high school gym class some of us would play during free swim, but I was rarely included.

        We all assembled in the shallow end of the pool and I ended up on Kyle’s shoulders and Kayla was on Ben’s. Kayla was thin but muscular, and I went into it assuming she would instantly knock me into the water, but I just wanted to be included, and I didn’t plan on trying very hard.

        Before the game began, Kyle squeezed my legs above my knees in a way that felt inappropriately affectionate before he looked up at me and smiled. What was I doing? Was this how Scott felt when Roxanne came onto him? But I knew that the comparison didn’t make sense. I was four years older than Kyle at most, and I wasn’t in a position of authority over him.

        Kayla climbed onto Ben’s shoulders. “Alright, I’m ready,” she said and looked at me uneasily.

        I shrugged. “I’m ready when you are,” I said.

        The boys waded us close to each other and Kyle began a countdown. “Alright…3...2…1…go!”

        I didn’t bother to move. Kayla began to push me and I just laughed as I kept myself upright. All I had to do was tense my core and legs to keep her from toppling me.

        “What’re you doing, Christine?” Kyle cried. “Push her!”

        This incensened Kayla and she grabbed my arms and tried to thrust me backward. I was about to flop back but I grabbed her wrists, threatening to bring her down with me, and she pulled herself back. I took the opportunity to grab her shoulders and gave a hard push and she fell backward into the water.

        Ben tended to Kayla, making sure she was okay, while I remained on Kyle’s shoulders. He squeezed my leg again and I ignored it. Why? I guess I felt like since he was so young that he didn’t mean anything by it, and even if he did, why did it matter? He was just a kid. I didn’t care.

        Kayla demanded Ben prop her up again. “Best of three,” she said, and her blue eyes burned into me.

        I shrugged. “Yeah, whatever you want,” I said. “I don’t care.”

        “Alright,” Ben said. “I’m gonna do the count this time. 3…2…1…go!”

        Once again I let her grapple me first. I kept my body stiff then grabbed her wrists. I’d decided to play as defensively as I could. I didn’t care about besting this girl. I was just letting this current of activity take me.

        She pushed against me hard, and I lost my grip on her wrists and fell back into the water. I swam to the bottom of the deep end and held my breath as long as I could before emerging back up.

        Kyle looked at me, disappointed. “You’re not even trying,” he said.

        “Why should I?” I asked.

        He sighed. “Because I think you’re better.” He was so earnest about it that I felt guilty for not giving it my all. What was I doing? What were people my age supposed to do? What was there between having an illicit relationship with a man seventeen years older than me and playing chicken with kids a few years younger than me?

        “I’m sorry,” I said. “I’ll do one more round and then I’m done.”

        He hoisted me on his shoulders as Ben did the same with Kayla. I wanted to be done with this charade.

        “Alright,” Kyle said. “I’m gonna count down. 3…2…1!”

        I grabbed Kayla’s shoulders and put my weight into it as I thrusted her into the water. It didn’t take much effort, and even I was surprised by how smoothly I defeated her. “Alright, I’m done,” I said and pushed myself off Kyle’s shoulders.

        Kayla sneered at me as Ben hugged her. Kyle swam towards me. “How long you gonna be here?” he asked.

        “We’re staying tonight and tomorrow night,” I said absently, already heading towards the steps to get out of the pool. The tee-shirt clung to me in a way that I felt was probably just as vulgar as just wearing the tight fitting bikini I had on under it.

        He touched my shoulder. “You and your boyfriend?”

        I laughed. “Yes. Me and my boyfriend, Scott.” As I ascended the steps to leave the pool he continued to stare at me, and I felt incredibly self conscious. I wasn’t a picture perfect body by any means, and I wondered if he was just mocking me.

        I quickly wrapped myself in the towel I’d brought and glanced back at Kyle. He was still staring at me, crouched in the shallow end of the pool, as I left the pool room. I think he noticed the cuts on my legs because there was a sudden look of concern in his eyes as they darted from my lower body to my eyes. I looked away from him and hurried to the elevator, then to our room.

        When I entered I was happy to see Scott lying in our bed, half asleep. I bent to kiss him. “I missed you,” I said.

        He kissed me back. “I missed you too. Did you have fun at the pool?”

        I shrugged as I pulled the wet shirt from me. “It was fine. There were a bunch of teenagers there.”

        He watched as I removed the bikini top. “Of course there were.”

        I pushed the bottoms down, kicked them off, and gestured for him to follow me to the bathroom. He got out of the bed and picked up my wet clothes. “Can’t just leave these on the floor,” he said and followed me.

        “Wanna shower together?” I asked as I turned on the water and waited for it to warm up.

        He shook his head and hung my wet clothes on a towel rack. “Of course.”

        We cleaned up and had sex in the shower. I’ve never had a man hold me up while he fucked me without any support. Over the past few days I’ve understood that Scott is strong, but I didn’t think he was that strong. He really doesn’t look like it, but I think I like that about him. His strength, intellectually and physically, is so understated until he’s called to prove himself, and even then he is humble.

        I think I love him, even though nothing matters anymore, but everything matters so much. Every second means so much to me because they are counting down so fast. I want every minute of my life until the end to be authentic and in the pursuit of every second of happiness I can squeeze from this stone.

        What can Scott think of me, really? Since I haven’t told him about my final decision, he must think I’m just doing this for fun, and I’ll move on in college and forget about him. I find it insulting, but I can’t tell him that right now. It doesn’t matter.

Once we were cleaned up we went downstairs to have dinner. We sat down at a table next to the window, and we watched the snow flurries outside. The server took our orders and didn’t bother to look at my identification when I asked for a glass of pinot noir. I ordered a walleye sandwich with fries while Scott ordered the walleye filet meal with wild rice.

“Is it gonna blizzard soon?” I asked as I gazed out the window.

Scott shrugged. “That’s what the forecast is saying.”

I narrowed my eyes as I became mesmerized by the snow. “Who plows the snow back home?”

Scott chuckled. “Now? I do. Your dad used to.”

I nodded slowly, remembering all the mornings my dad would be up at 3 am getting his truck ready to plow. “Like what roads do you plow, versus the DNR?”

Scott shrugged. “I do our driveways and the street connecting them. The DNR does the Wayland road.” The Wayland road meant the minimum maintenance road that went into the pines towards International Falls.

“What if you died?” I asked. I blushed at the suddenness of the question. “Sorry, I just mean like, if you couldn’t do it. What happens?”

He shrugged. “The snow remains.”

The server set down our glasses of wine and we thanked him. I took a long sip and sighed as the warmth hit me quickly since I hadn’t eaten anything yet that day. I closed my eyes and smiled. “I think this is the best day of my life,” I said, feeling absurd. What was it about being certain about being dead soon that made everything so much sweeter?

Scott laughed, uneasy. “The best day of your life? Really?”

I opened my eyes and looked at him. “Yeah. Is that funny to you?”

He shook his head. “No, I’m sorry. I just…I don’t feel worthy of being part of your best day. I’d assumed you’ve had better days.”

I took a long drink of wine. “Maybe. I just can’t remember any right now,” I said.

He shook his head and smirked. “I guess that’s an honor.”

Just then, Kyle and his family sat down at the table next to us. His parents were the way I imagined them: the wife was beautiful, in shape and tan despite it being winter with a stylish brown bob, and the husband had fair brown hair and looked fit except for a little beer belly and red nose. Kayla, Ben, Ethan, and Kyle had casual clothes on and wet hair.

Kyle saw me and smiled sheepishly. When his hair wasn’t sopping it was a lot curlier than I remembered, almost perfect ringlets. His eyes were deep blue, matching his mother and sister’s, but his father’s looked to be more brown or hazel.

I raised my eyebrows, nodded, and smiled back. I took a sip of wine.

Kyle grinned a white toothy grin, mocking me, and sipped his water in a way exaggerated to be fancy, with his pinky poking outward.

Scott glanced at me before his eyes darted to Kyle. “Your pool buddies?” he asked underneath his breath.

I nodded. “Yeah. They’re nice people. Family friendly,” I said quietly, since they were in earshot of us, though holiday music was playing in the background.

Kayla caught sight of Kyle looking at me and grimaced at me before the waiter approached their table and handed out the menus.

Scott seemed to register her glance and he directed his gaze from their table to me. “The girl doesn’t seem to like you,” he said dryly.

I shrugged. “Her name’s Kayla. Her brother, Kyle, and I beat her and her boyfriend at chicken.”

He frowned and swirled the wine in his glass. “Ah. Chicken, huh?”

“Yeah, it’s a fun game lots of people play. Have you ever played?” I asked and took another swig of wine. I watched Kyle from the corner of my eye, and our eyes met again before I quickly averted mine.

Scott nodded. “Yeah, I’ve played. Don’t you think that’s…don’t you think you’re a little old for that?” He looked at me, searching.

I held eye contact with him. “What’s the age cut off? He asked me to play. He said I look strong.”

Scott shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Alright,” he said tersely.

I chuckled and squeezed his thigh under the table. “What’s wrong? You jealous?”

He sighed and looked at me. “Yeah, I guess I am.” After a few moments he smiled.

I leaned over and kissed him deeply, and he tentatively kissed me back. After a couple seconds I broke from him, not wanting to be too vulgar, but just provocative enough to make both him and Kyle a bit uncomfortable. What was I doing? The wine was making me feel reckless, and I was curious how much Scott could object to me lightly flirting with a teenager when he’d had sex with one.

Scott shook his head and spoke in a hushed voice. “Sorry. I can just see him looking at you.”

I glanced sidelong at Kyle, and he rolled his eyes at me. I wanted to stick my tongue out at him but I didn’t, and instead turned to look at Scott. “Is it my fault?” I asked, narrowing my eyes in fake concern. I felt like I was fishing for an inconsistency.

He drummed his fingers on the table as his lips made a flat line. “No. I guess not.”

I laughed. “So why don’t you relax? I love you,” I said and squeezed his thigh again before leaning back in my chair and taking a long sip of wine.

He looked at me for a long time, and I thought he looked very tired suddenly. “Yeah. I love you too,” he said softly and drained the last of his wine.

I followed his lead and drained my glass. Luckily the waiter came with our food and we ordered more wine. We ate in relative silence as I watched the snow come down heavier through the window. I was very hungry and the walleye sandwich was delicious. I’ve always loved fried walleye on a nice brioche bun with a little bit of tartar sauce. I ate quickly, without decorum or shame, wiping excess sauce from the corners of my lips with my fingers then licking them.

I watched Kyle from my peripheral vision as he watched me. He mocked me and licked his fingers even though he didn’t have any food yet. His parents were too busy talking to each other to notice him, and although Kayla frowned at me once in a while, she got distracted talking to Ben as he showed her something on his Gameboy.

The waiter returned with more wine for Scott and I and we thanked him. As we ate, I noticed that Kyle ordered the walleye sandwich as well when the server took his family’s order. I wondered why no teenage boys paid this sort of attention to me when I was younger. Was I prettier now? More confident?

“How’s your food?” I asked Scott between bites of my sandwich.

He nodded. “It’s good, but I can cook walleye better than this.” He paused and glanced at me. “What do you think? I fried walleye for you.”

I sighed and nipped half of a fry. “I honestly don’t remember. I mean, do you remember that night?”

He nodded. “Yeah.” He set his fork down and looked out the window for a long time.

I took a swig of wine. “Come on, Scott. I’m sorry. Please don’t get gloomy. We’re supposed to be having fun,” I said and squeezed his thigh again.

He shook his head and picked up his fork before setting it down again and taking a long drink of wine. “Yeah. Alright. Fun.” He picked up his fork and speared a piece of broccoli.

I glanced over to Kyle’s table and he was trying to fold his cloth napkin into a paper crane but the wings kept wilting. I tried to suppress a grin as I sipped my wine.

Kyle’s eyes met mine then, as though he could feel me looking at him. He crumpled up the napkin, put it on his lap, and shrugged.

“Would you rather be sitting with him?” Scott asked.

I looked at him and grimaced. He was smiling but the icy tone of his voice didn’t match his expression.

I shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe, if you keep acting like I hurt your feelings for no reason.” I picked up my half eaten sandwich but it didn’t hold the same appeal now that the gloom had overtaken our table.

Scott ate quietly for a while and I began to feel guilty. I rotated my chair so I was facing him and my back was towards Kyle. “Hey, I’m sorry,” I said. “I love you. Thank you for bringing me here. I’m having a really nice time and just don’t want you to be sad.”

“I’m not sad. It’s alright, Christine,” he said and smiled more genuinely this time.

I leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Okay.”

We finished our meals and Scott got the check just as Kyle’s table got their food. I tried not to look in his direction as we waited for the server to run Scott’s card. Once we were paid up we got up to go back to the room, Scott holding my hand, and I glanced at Kyle. He waved goodbye with an exaggerated frown. When we got into the elevator we kissed again, and this time there were no kids on the other side when the doors opened. When we got back to our room Scott opened a bottle of wine and poured us each a glass.

“Wanna go in the jacuzzi?” I asked when he handed me my glass.

He nodded and sipped his wine. “Yeah. I’ll start running the water.”

I dug through my bag to get my iPod and mini speaker, then I followed Scott into the bathroom. He held his hand under the faucet, gauging the temperature, as I plugged the little speaker into the outlet that was probably meant for people’s hair dryers and curling irons.

“Ah, we got music?” he asked as he watched the water filling the tub.

“Yeah! I’ll make sure it’s not too loud,”  I said as I put the iPod on shuffle mode and 3OH!3 began playing. I lowered the volume. “Do you think this is okay?” I asked.

Scott nodded. “Hey, I kinda like this song,” he said and smiled.

I undressed, kicking my jeans off onto the floor. He looked at me, his hand under the pouring water, and followed suit, and we were both standing in the bathroom naked, watching the water level rise as “Don’t Trust Me” played in the background.

“Are you gonna like…put soap in it?” I asked as I stared into the water.

He shook his head. “I don’t think so.”

        I stepped into the tub as it was filling. “Maybe we should get in before it's full so we don’t flood the place?” I suggested.

        Scott chuckled. “Good idea. Hold on a second though,” he said as he left the bathroom and returned with the opened bottle of wine. He set the bottle down on the space next to the jacuzzi along with both of our glasses. “Now we won’t have to get out for a while,” he said and winked at me before climbing in next to me.

        The water was up to my belly button and I felt silly sitting with him in the shallow water. “What if I peed?” I asked as I sipped my wine.

        Scott shook his head and rolled his eyes. “I hope you don’t, but I guess it wouldn’t be the end of the world.”

        “There’s no chemicals,” I said. “You could get my diseases.”

        Scott grabbed his wine glass and took a long sip. “If you have any diseases I do too, but I recall you saying you didn’t have any.”

        I shrugged, feeling reckless. “Maybe I do and I don’t know. Maybe Paul got something from his high school girlfriend and gave it to me.”

        He sighed. “Why would you say that right now, Christine?”

        I took another long drink of wine. “I dunno. I’m just kidding but really, who knows?”

        “I think you’re agging me on. Talking like this after making eyes with that kid at dinner. I think you’re trying to get some reaction out of me and I don’t understand why.” He looked at me with tired, searching eyes.

        I was pretty drunk at that point since I didn’t eat all my dinner, and being in hot water most of the afternoon and evening was exaggerating it. “I wasn’t making eyes with him, unless you call simply looking at someone ‘making eyes.’” I said. The water was up to my breasts then. “Why would I wanna make you mad, anyway? No one knows where I am. You could strangle me and dump me alongside the road and get away with it if you wanted to.”

        He sighed and drained his wine glass. “I dunno what to even say to that.”

        I shrugged. “Don’t say anything. You’re not gonna do that, and I have zero interest in that kid. Teenagers look like little kids to me. I can’t imagine taking one seriously.”

        The water was up to my neck and Scott turned the faucet off. “If you’re trying to get under my skin it’s working. What do you want me to say?”

        I thought about that for a while as I looked him over. He looked old and youthful at once, and I felt a mix of longing and disgust towards him. “I dunno,” I said. “But like…if I did decide to fuck that kid, would you still love me? What if he was going through a hard time?” My heart sped up. I was being very reckless and probing him in a way I wouldn’t have if I were sober.

        He refilled his glass with wine and took a long drink. “I dunno what to say, Christine. I feel like the scum of the earth everyday for what I’ve done. I would hate for you to make the same mistake. You haven’t done anything you can’t forgive yourself for. I can never forgive myself. What else do you want?”

        I floated from my side of the jacuzzi to Scott’s and positioned myself on his lap. I put my arms around his neck and kissed his forehead. “I dunno. It’s so hard to like…reconcile. Can you understand why it’s hard? I want so badly to love the man in front of me. You make it easy to want to love you…but how could you?” I didn’t know if my face was wet from tears or the water from the jacuzzi and I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying. I forgot that I didn’t care about anything.

        He pulled me close to him and my face was in the crook of his neck. I felt him shaking. “I dunno, Christine. I dunno how to fix it. I wish I could go back. I’m so sorry,” he sobbed.

        I thought about how the second time we’d had sex he’d brought up what I’d said about wishing I’d lost my virginity to him. I felt a physical pressure in the left side of my chest, like my heart was about to break. We held each other for a long time and I think our tears blended in with the steam from the hot water in the jacuzzi.

        I reminded myself that none of this mattered, and that I’d be dead soon. It wasn’t my job to correct anyone’s morality, let alone a man nearly twice my age, when I was planning on an early exit from this life. I planted kisses on his face and I let myself melt when he looked up at me with his thick eyelashes and pretty dark eyes.

        “It’s okay, Scott. I’m sorry. I love you,” I heard myself say. It was like someone else was speaking and I felt far away from the body who instructed itself to say those words.

        He kissed me and ran his hands through my damp hair. “I love you, Christine. I wish I was better for you.”

        I let myself melt into him and we devolved into another tearful makeout session. “Can you fuck me?” I asked.

        He nodded and kissed me. “Yeah, if that’s what you want,” he said, his voice wavering.

        He massaged between my legs and I thought about a phrase I’d read recently in The Terror: “Wetter than water.” It was the scene where Crozier and the woman he was hopelessly in love with were intimate in some creek or lake. I can’t remember the details just now, but he marvels about her being wetter than water, and that was what I was thinking about. I wondered why I was the way I was. Why was I drawn to sex when I was sad or stressed? Was sex just another drug, like alcohol or cigarettes? I thought about how many times I’d had sex with Paul after we’d broken up even though I wasn’t feeling connected to him at all. I did feel connected to Scott though, in a hopeless sort of way.

        I straddled him and guided him inside me, and all at once it was like we were the same person. As I moved and got closer to the brink I couldn’t help but think about Kyle. Not because I was attracted to him or actually wanted him, but because of the way he saw me. I think he was the first somewhat attractive teenage boy that was so aggressively attracted to me. Paul wasn’t even interested in me until he got to know me, and I always teased him that he only liked me for my personality, and one night he drunkenly admitted it, telling me that there would always be other women more attractive than me.

        As I kissed him, I wondered if Scott had some similar experience that predisposed him to entertain Roxanne’s attention. Maybe the backlash from Stephanie Plateau cheating on him hurt his self esteem? I was so absorbed in thinking about these scenarios that I was taken off guard by my own orgasm and I was so unexpectedly loud that I clapped my own hand over my mouth.

        Scott laughed with his uneven smile and kissed my hand. “You alright?” he asked.

        I nodded. “I dunno how that happened…I’m sorry,” I whispered.

        “It’s okay,” he said and kissed my cheek before gently pushing me off him and taking a long drink from his glass of wine.

        I followed his lead and took a sip from my glass. “What about you?” I asked.

        He shrugged. “I think I’m too in my head right now for things to work.”

        This depressed me, since normally he could barely last with me. Had I made some irreparable mistake? I probably had, by bringing up Roxanne. I wanted to cry again. I put my arms around his neck and pouted. “Do you still like me?” I asked, my voice whinier than I’d intended.

        “Yes, Christine. I just…I think I need a little space for a bit,” he said.

        “Fine,” I said and quickly moved away from him. “I’m gonna get dressed and have a cigarette.”

I dried off as Scott remained in the jacuzzi. I put on some sweatpants, a tee-shirt, and my jacket and shoes and made my way through the hallway and to the elevator. It was around 9 pm and when I left the elevator I glanced towards the small lobby bar and it was pretty much full. Kyle’s parents were there so I hurried out the main door.

There was a designated smoking section in front of a large window that looked into the pool room with a little bench and ash tray. I brushed away the snow, sat down, and tried not to look inside as I lit my cigarette. I took a long drag and exhaled, watching the smoke curl into the air heavy with large snowflakes. The air was still and it wasn’t very cold, maybe 35 degrees, and I thought it looked like a picturesque snow globe. Maybe an inch or two had accumulated since we arrived.

I felt my muscles relax. It was nice to be alone for a while, and I hadn’t had a cigarette since before we had arrived. The good thing about being somewhere new like this was that I nearly forgot about my normal habits, and until I’d gotten sufficiently drunk I’d almost forgotten that I smoked. I studied my cigarette and wondered what I’d look like if I kept smoking and lived to be in my 80s. Luckily I would never know.

I wished I’d brought my iPod and headphones with me. Just as I was thinking that, I heard the front door open and I glanced over quickly. It was Kyle. I felt myself physically recoil, and I pulled my jacket hood over my head. To my horror he approached the bench.

He laughed and sat next to me. “You trying to hide from me?” he asked.

I shook my head and scooted away from him. “You’re gonna get me in trouble,” I muttered as I took a long drag from my cigarette.

“With your boyfriend or what?”

I sighed and nodded. “And what about your parents?” I asked.

He shrugged. “They’re wasted and talking to other old people at the bar. Speaking of old, why is your boyfriend so old? What is he, like 40? He seems boring.”

I looked over my shoulder into the pool room then at the door, making sure his parents or Kayla weren’t looking for him. “That’s none of your business,” I said tersely as I turned and stared ahead of me and took another drag from my cigarette.

“How old are you?” he asked.

I puffed my cigarette. “Too old to be hanging out with you,” I said.

He shrugged. “You don’t look like it. When I first saw you I thought you were maybe in 11th grade. That’s the grade I’m in.”

“I’m twenty…twenty-one,” I corrected myself, noting that he’d seen me drink wine at dinner.

He thumbed his chin as though he were thinking deeply. “So…I’m too young to hang out with you but your boyfriend’s like a million years older than you? He was probably my age when you were born.”

I did a quick calculation in my head. I think Scott is 37, so Kyle was likely more accurate than he knew and it irritated me. I scoffed. “It doesn’t matter. We’re grown ups, unlike you. Don’t you have anything better to do?”

He extended his hand to catch the falling snowflakes, and they melted over his fingers. “Us kids have the room next to you guys, by the way.”

My face became hot. “So what?”

“Well, after dinner we were all in there watching TV and drinking pop and we heard some…stuff.”

“Christ,” I muttered under my breath, remembering clapping my hand over my mouth in the jacuzzi. I took another long drag of my cigarette. It was almost finished, and I was already contemplating lighting another one. “It’s not my fault this place has shitty walls,” I said.

He laughed. “Hey, it’s alright. Kayla’s probably jealous ‘cos her and Ben aren’t allowed to be in her room together with the door closed.”

“We’ll be more careful for the rest of the trip,” I said, trying not to laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

Kyle leaned in close to me conspiratorially. “So is he like…he must be like…” he gestured with his hands far apart to suggest largess.

I frowned and laughed. “What the fuck? That’s definitely none of your business!”

He chuckled and leaned back. “Ah, okay. That means he’s hung.”

I thought about how to respond as I watched my cigarette burn  the filter. I tossed it into the ashtray and fished out another one.

Kyle pointed at the cigarette. “Hey, can I have one of those?” he asked.

I pushed my hood down and looked at him, incredulous. “Absolutely not,” I said as I lit mine.

He pouted. “Don’t tell me you didn’t try it when you were my age.”

I took a long drag and exhaled. “Actually I didn’t start until I was 18. And you should never start. It’s a nasty habit.” Suddenly I felt very old.

We sat in silence for a few moments while we watched the snow come down. I watched from my peripheral vision as his curly hair collected nearly perfect snow flakes before they quickly melted.

“So are you in college?” Kyle asked.

I nodded. “Yeah, I’m going to NDSU.”

He brightened. “Oh! I’m thinking of going there. Their football program is awesome. Do you like it so far?”

I didn’t pay attention to collegiate sports at all, and I marveled at how I got to the point where I was talking to a jock kid about it. “Yeah, I like it. I guess it’s good for that…football, I mean.” I wondered if there would be a reality where Kyle and I were in college together. If that were to ever happen I was confident we would never see each other. “Are you um…good at football?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Yeah, I’m alright. I’m a tight end. I’m on the varsity team and we’re pretty good.”

I nodded. “Well, keep at it and make sure to get good grades.”

“Do you do any sports?” he asked.

I shook my head. “Not anymore. I did cross country and golf in high school.”

He nodded. “Ah, individual sports. You a loner or what?”

I shrugged. “I guess so. And I’m just not very coordinated.” I chuckled, thinking of the times I’d attempted to play flag football in gym class and none of the kids who played quarterback would pass to me despite being wide open because I almost always dropped the ball. I took a long drag of my cigarette.

Kyle watched as the smoke swirled into nothing in front of us. “You make it look cool, you know. Smoking.”

I grimaced. “I don’t think so. That’s not why I do it.”

“Then why?” he asked.

I took another drag. “Cos’ it feels good,” I said as smoke emanated from my lips. “I have like…lots of problems. I’m always stressed. It helps me calm down.” The cigarette was down to the filter so I tossed it into the ashtray. “I should go in,” I said as I stood.

Kyle stood also, and before I knew it his lips were pressed against mine. They were soft but I could feel his braces as he tried to deepen the kiss. Once I registered what was happening I recoiled. “Whoah, please don’t!” I exclaimed before I jogged towards the door, feeling stupid that I couldn’t properly form words.

“Wait! I’m sorry,” he exclaimed as he followed me.

“I’m going to the bar, and I’ll tell your parents if you don’t leave me alone,” I said quietly as I walked hurriedly into the lobby.

He stopped following me and pushed the button the elevator. I proceeded cautiously to the bar, knowing that the bartender was a different person than the server, and he might ask for my ID. The bar was still very busy and there was one spot between Kyle’s parents and a burly middle-aged man. I took off my jacket, draped it over the barstool, and squeezed myself in.

I was sitting next to Kyle’s mom, and she smelled like a perfume my mom had, but I couldn’t pinpoint which one it was. CK One, maybe? Angel? I tried to dismiss my mom from my mind, but I felt suddenly dizzy thinking of the conversation I had with her in Scott’s truck. My heart was racing. Too much was happening at once. Had anyone seen Kyle kiss me, from the pool room perhaps? I desperately wanted a drink, but the bartender wasn’t just preparing drinks for the bar, but for those still at the restaurant.

After a couple minutes of anxious waiting, the bartender gestured to me. “What can I get you?” he asked quickly.

“Uh…beer, please?” I said, caught off guard. Why hadn’t I decided what I’d wanted?

“What kinda beer?” he asked.

I looked at the taps. “Bud Light is fine,” I said quickly.

He hurriedly poured it, not bothering to ask me for my ID. “Card or room charge?” he asked.

I hadn’t even thought about how I was going to pay for my drinks. “Uh, room please. 302.”

He printed out a receipt and made a note on it before handing me the glass.

“Thank you,” I said, feeling instantly relieved. I took a long sip and appreciated the sparkling hoppy flavor, and more importantly, knowing I could keep my buzz alive.

As I sipped my beer I wondered what Scott was doing then. Was he upset with me? Would he just end up staying in the room the rest of the night? I suddenly longed for my college dorm room. I imagined sitting on my beanbag under my lofted bed and watching bad holiday movies, like I told my parents I was doing. I’d have had my room all to myself too. What was I doing here?

I looked at my hands, and they were shaking. I quickly set them down on my lap, hoping Kyle’s mom and the burly man wouldn’t notice me and my distress. I felt a cold sweat coming on despite the room feeling chilly. I took a long drink of beer, set it down, and leaned my face into my hand. I closed my eyes and wanted to cry but I didn’t want to go outside or back to the room.

“Hey, are you alright?” a gentle voice to my left asked me.

I sat up quickly to see Kyle’s mom looking at me with maternal concern. “Oh, yeah. I’m fine,” I said quickly, my face burning. I was sure my cheeks were red like Santa Clause.

“Just checking, sweetie. You look sad,” she said with a little smile. “I saw you at dinner tonight. Has my son been bothering you?”

I shook my head quickly and sipped my beer. “No, not at all.”

She grinned, her eyes glossy with drink, and she looked past me, far away. “He’s at that age, you know.”

I nodded. “Yeah. I understand.”

“He’s a good kid,” she said and patted my shoulder. “So that man you’re with, who…is he your, um…”

I sighed and nodded. “Yeah, he’s my boyfriend. We’re just on vacation.” My face must have been bright with embarrassment, but I hoped the relatively low lighting at the bar made it less obvious.

She leaned in close to me. “He’s very handsome. Hang onto him. Men your age these days just…aren’t the same.” She winked at me before turning back to her husband.

I stared at my beer, feeling like I had just dropped acid or something, even though I’ve never tried acid. Was everyone at this place insane? Was I insane? Probably, I thought. I felt the itchiness again, the inability to escape from myself and everyone who could perceive me. But why was I so nervous? I told myself again that I’d be dead soon, and I wouldn’t have to worry about my mental state anymore, and the thought calmed me.

I sipped my beer and pulled my cell phone from my pocket. I realized Scott and I had never exchanged cell numbers. I felt a sudden longing for his familiarity and I wanted him to come down here with me, but I didn’t want to lose my seat at the bar or abandon my drink. I thought about asking Kyle’s mom to hold my seat and watch my drink while I went up to the room to see if Scott would like to join me down here, but just as I was about to tap her shoulder he walked into the crowded room.

He didn’t see me at first, and my heart fluttered at how handsome he looked in a crowd. I thought he must have been the most objectively attractive man in the room. He wore the navy blue sweater that he’d worn on Christmas and I remembered the soft scratchiness of the fabric the first day I’d been close to him and kissed him. I felt suddenly very guilty for the way I’d talked to him in the jacuzzi.

I waved at him and his eyes caught mine. He paused for a moment, looked at the floor, then approached me quickly.

“I thought you were just going outside for a cigarette,” he said as he stood next to me.

I shrugged and clasped his hand. It was soft and cool. “I’m sorry. I thought you wanted space. I smoked and then I came in to have a beer. I was gonna come back soon.”

“I was worried,” he said softly, leaning into me a little.

I put my arms around him and pulled him close to me in what must have looked like an immature, desperate gesture. “I missed you,” I whispered. “Are you mad at me?”

“I’m not mad, Christine,” he pulled away from me, squeezed my shoulder, and glanced behind me at my beer. “They served you?” he asked quietly.

I shrugged and nodded. “Why wouldn’t they?”

He chuckled and looked around. “Busy down here. Could you try to flag him down and get me one of those?” he asked, referring to my beer.

I smiled. “Of course.”

After a few minutes I was able to order a beer for Scott, and he stood next to my stool as we both drank. The bar and lobby area became increasingly noisy and raucous as everyone around us continued to drink. Going from wine to beer had leveled off my buzz, although I was still tipsy.

Scott leaned close to me and flicked his eyes towards Kyle’s parents. “It’s them. That family.”

I laughed and nodded. “Can’t seem to get away from them. The lady said you’re very handsome, and that I should hold on to you.” I paused and glanced at the back of her head as she talked with her husband and another middle aged couple. “I never caught their names.”

Scott smirked. “She talked to you?”

“Just for a few seconds right when I sat down,” I said. “She asked if I was alright…I um…I was a little flustered.”

“Why’s that?”

I sighed and contemplated what I should say. I didn’t want any more friction with him but I felt like omitting what happened with Kyle would be like lying to him. “Kyle–her son–he um…I was outside, just minding my own business smoking, and he talked to me. He said their room is next to ours and they um…like, they heard some stuff after they got done eating. While we were in the jacuzzi,” I said with a grimace.

Scott sighed and nodded. “I see,” he said tersely.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured. “I didn’t mean to be embarrassing.” I took a long drink of my beer and clasped his free hand.

He leaned down and kissed my forehead. “I’m not embarrassed.”

I pulled his face closed to me and kissed his lips. “There’s something else,” I said and looked up into his eyes, appealing.

He narrowed his eyes and took a long drink. “What is it?” He sounded tired again.

I felt a deep sense of dread, but I couldn’t keep it from him. “Well, we chatted for a bit about random stuff. I like…told him to leave me alone but he kept talking to me and asking me things. Like about college and stuff. When I was going back inside he um…he kissed me,” I said and drained my beer.

“He kissed you?” he asked and rolled his eyes. “Of course he did. What’d you do?”

I set my empty glass on the bar and gestured to the bartender for a refill before answering. “I told him if he didn’t leave me alone I’d tell his parents. Then I came here. That’s it.”

Scott pursed his lips and looked at Kyle’s parents for a long time as he sipped his beer.

“Please don’t say anything to them,” I whispered.

As though she heard me, Kyle’s mom turned towards us. “Oh, hi there!” she said to Scott. “When did you get here? I was just talking to your…girlfriend. I’m sorry sweetie, what’s your name?”

“Christine,” I said and took a long swig of beer.

She looked delighted, her face flushed. “Oh, what a pretty name!” She looked at Scott, and I felt a tinge of annoyance. I realized this was the first time since we’d been at the hotel that I’d seen him interact with another woman aside from the staff. “And who are you?” she asked him, her tone edging on sultry.

It wasn’t until that moment that I registered how hard she was trying to look attractive, put together. She had a low cut, v-neck top that was gold metallic and her hair was bleached, highlighted, and styled so stiffly that I was sure I could blow on it as hard as I could and it wouldn’t move. She had on a full face of makeup, and the foundation on her face didn’t quite match her neck, which was wrinkled and sun-spotted, and for a moment I felt sorry for her, but I saw how she looked at Scott.

He extended his hand jovially. “Scott,” he said simply.

She took his hand and grasped it for an amount of time that I felt was inappropriate. “I’m Andrea.” She paused and glanced at her husband, who was talking to a man next to him at the bar. “And this is my husband, Peter. Sorry, he’s engrossed in conversation about…football, or who knows what,” she laughed and looked at me as though I could relate to the plight of being with a man interested in sports. I smiled dumbly and sipped my beer.

“Well, the Vikings are going to the playoffs. Maybe it's our year,” Scott said and sipped his beer.

I looked at him with narrowed eyes. He’d never talked about football, and he didn’t even have a TV in his house. Perhaps he’d heard about it on the radio on the drive when I’d been sleeping.

Andrea shook her head. “Every year we hope, and every year we’re disappointed. I’m not getting my hopes up.”

“Damn Gary Anderson,” Scott said.

Andrea chuckled. “Ah, yes. I remember Peter yelling at the TV when he missed that field goal.”

I looked at my beer, studied the bubbles. I’d drunk half of it already, but I didn’t feel as buzzed as I’d wanted to be now that I was wrangled into this conversation I had no interest in, but I did remember my dad yelling at the TV at that moment in 1998. “Yeah, my dad yelled too. I was playing with my Beanie Babies in my room and I didn’t know what was going on until he calmed down and explained it to me,” I said listlessly as I swirled the beer around in my glass before taking a long drink.

Scott and Andrea both looked at me and a long silence passed, and in that moment I realized how different my experience of that moment in Minnesota sports history was because of my age. How many of those moments would there be in a universe where Scott and I were together?

I think he picked up on my despondence, as he smiled at me and nodded to Andrea. “Well, my time would have been better spent playing with Beanie Babies too.”

She rolled her eyes, but with good nature. “We spent so much money on those damned things! Kayla and Kyle just loved them. We thought they’d be worth something and now we just have totes of stuffed animals no one wants to get rid of.”

I laughed with genuine mirth. “Every year my dad asks me if he can throw them away and I tell him no! I still remember looking through those magazines and thinking if I could just get the right ones we’d make a fortune someday…my mom and I would go to Treasure City sometimes and pick some up. They had the super valuable ones and I’d just gawk at them in those little plastic boxes, but they were way too expensive.”

She chuckled and sipped her wine. “Treasure City in Royalton? Everytime we drive to the cities my kids want us to stop there! Oh, it’s kind of fun, I have to admit.”  

That was the first time I made eye contact with Andrea, and I softened towards her. She had beautiful blue eyes and she reminded me of my mom when she was in her good moods, and I liked the way she smiled when she was genuinely amused. I wondered what it would be like to have a mom like her. After all, she took her kids to this silly resort every year, and was even nice enough to let her daughter bring her boyfriend. My mom would never have done that. I felt a pang of envy for her children. I felt myself grinning at her and hoped my feelings weren’t too obvious.

Once she emptied her glass of wine she tapped Peter’s shoulder to ask if he would order her another. He turned towards us and smiled. “I see you’ve made some friends, Andy. Another pinot grigio?”

She nodded. “Yes, please and thank you. This is Scott and Christine. Scott is a fellow Vikings fan.” She winked at me and I smiled, badly wanting her to like me.

“Is Andy your nickname?” I asked dumbly.

She shrugged. “It’s mostly Peter who calls me that. But if you like it you can use it too. Do you have a nickname?”

I shook my head. “Naw, not really. I prefer my full name. Sometimes kids would tease me and call me Chris, because I used to look like a boy, but I don‘t like it.” I smiled as I explained myself, feeling dreamy talking to her. At that moment I just wanted to keep talking to her. Some part of me wanted her to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay.

She nodded. “I understand, sweetie. Christine it is.” She glanced at my glass, which was now empty. “Can I get you two another round? It’s on us.”

I looked at Scott, appealing, and he nodded. “If you like,” he said and smiled. His cheeks were flushed, and he looked to be enjoying himself as well.

Why had I felt hostile to this woman only minutes ago? She hadn’t done anything wrong and had been nothing but kind to me since she noticed me. I felt guilty for judging her appearance. She was beautiful, much more beautiful than so many women her age. Briefly I forgot that I was going to kill myself and I hoped someday I could be as composed and put together as she was when I got to her age.

She nudged Peter and requested him to get us refills of Bud Light and he nodded and flagged down the bartender. Scott gave me a sidelong look as though to ask if this was what I really wanted, and I squeezed his shoulder and smiled. He shook his head a little before draining his glass of beer and setting it on the bar.

We ended up talking to Peter and Andy until last call at midnight. We chatted about surface level things: our college experiences, sports, current events. I was so taken by Andy and so buzzed that I don’t remember all the things we talked about, but it was all very light hearted and we laughed a lot. I hadn’t laughed with a group of people in that way for a very long time, and I soaked in the mirth like a dry sponge. I think Peter and Andy just accepted me and Scott’s unorthodox relationship, like something they could relate to if they weren’t so happily situated already.

Once we’d all finished our drinks, around 12:30 or so, Andrea looked at Scott and I. “Oh, it feels so much earlier than it is! Would you two wanna have a nightcap with us in our room? We have a bottle of wine we haven’t opened yet. If that’s alright with you, Peter,” she said and looked at him, appealing.

His eyes were glazed over and his face was ruddy. He seemed like the type of man who was always happy as long as he had a beautiful woman, good food, and good drinks. “Of course! Come on over!”

Scott looked at me looking a little tired, but I appealed to him with my eyes. He smiled a little. “Alright. A little nightcap sounds nice. Thank you.”

We followed them to their room, which was also on the third floor. Their room was next to their kids’ room, which was next to ours. As Andy unlocked her room, Kyle emerged from the neighboring door.

“Oh, Kyle! Why aren’t you in bed?” Andy asked peevishly and she held the door for Peter to enter.

He glanced at me, his eyes full of stress, before he looked at Andy. “I’m sorry, mom! I didn’t mean to–”

My eyes widened and I grasped Scott’s hand.

Andy shook her head and looked at him incredulously. “What are you talking about? Go to bed!”

Kyle must have assumed I told Andy about what he’d done. I looked at him intensely as he stood in the hallway and he looked at me in time to see my expression. He sighed and ran his hand through his unruly hair. “I’m sorry. I just mean I didn’t mean to be up so late. We were watching movies and didn’t realize how late it got…”

Andy shook her head. “Well, go and get some sleep. We’re gonna be up late tomorrow and I don’t want you keeping your brother up all night tonight.”  

Kyle nodded. “Sorry, mom. Goodnight.” He glanced at Scott and I before he disappeared into his room.

We followed Andy into their room as she apologized. “Sorry about that. Now that they’re older they like to stay up and try to act like they’re adults.”

“He’s just at that age,” Scott said as he inspected the room.

They had the beachy, cabana styled room. The carpet was blue and there were tropical fish and boats on the wallpaper. Peter grabbed a bottle of wine from the fridge while Andy placed little wine glasses on a table next to the TV. Scott and I pulled chairs up to the little table next to the window, where we could see the snow falling intensely.

“It’s really coming down,” Scott said offhandedly.

Andy laughed. “Oh, yes. I hope it clears up before we head out.”

“Where do you guys live?” I asked as Peter poured wine into the glass in front of me.

“Detroit Lakes,” he said simply.

I nodded. “Oh. We’re sort of neighbors then!”

“Fargo isn’t so far,” Andy said as she sat down in one of the chairs and beckoned for Peter to bring her a drink.

I felt like Fargo was indeed far, because despite the close proximity I never planned to talk to Andy, Kyle, Peter, or any of this family again.

I shrugged. “Fargo’s a long way from Lake of the Woods,” I said and looked longingly at Scott.

Peter handed Andy her drink and she looked at me sympathetically. “Oh, my dear. Are you saying you two live that far apart?”

I nodded and made eye contact with Scott.

He sighed. “Yeah…it’s um, not easy,” he said tersely.

I felt like I needed to make up the story, since Scott seemed resentful that I’d even brought up our locations.

“I plan to move back to Lake of the Woods when I’m done with college,” I said quickly. “I’m studying like…Environmental Sciences. See, I wanna work for the DNR. Scott lives in the middle of nowhere up there. Like…he has a gravel pit, so he oversees that. It’ll work out perfectly. We used to be neighbors, that’s how we met.”

Andy perked up as she sipped her drink. “Oh! So you’re both nature enthusiasts then?”

Scott laughed at the absurdity of the statement and covered his face with his hand.

I laughed too and shrugged. “The gravel pit, it’s just…he thinks our values don’t align, you know? Because of the gravel pit. But really, there are environmental benefits to a gravel pit–”

Scott looked at Andy, incredulous. “I’m just in it for the money, honestly. I’d live in the city any day if I could. I get scared living alone out there.”

At that moment I couldn’t tell if he was acting or just trying to agg me on. “Excuse me? I thought you were a man who cared about the environment,” I said and sipped my wine, indignant. “What could you possibly be scared of?”

As though Peter finally started listening to us, he said. “Wendigos.” He did not elaborate.

Scott pointed at Peter. “Yes! Exactly. Wendigos. You don’t understand, Christine. They’re out there, they’re everywhere, really.”

Andy looked horrified and took a long swig of wine. “I thought that was just stories.”

I pursed my lips. “Well, I’ve never seen any Wendigos.”

“That’s because they’re not looking for you,” Scott said quickly.

Peter grimaced and sat down on the side of the bed, gripping his glass of wine with both hands. “Well, Scott. If you’ve seen Wendigos I’d say it’s because of that gravel pit. You’re pillaging their land and they aren’t happy about it.”

I thought about my silly story that I wrote about Bobby’s cabin. “Wait a minute…maybe I have seen one,” I said as I thumbed my chin. “Yeah…I got stuck on the minimum maintenance road once in the dead of winter and I had to stay overnight in my uncle Bobby’s hunting cabin. When I was sleeping in one of the bedrooms I heard something.” I paused for dramatic effect and looked at Peter and Andy. They were both spellbound, holding their glasses of wine and waiting for me to continue. “Yeah, it was like someone sloppily eating. You know, sinew tearing, gnawing sounds. I was so scared. I thought it was some animal! But then he…it grunted and said some words I didn’t understand, in some other language. I think it farted too! It smelled terrible. Anyway, eventually it left the cabin and when I left the bedroom I saw a big pile of bones from…a timberwolf!”

I glanced at Scott and he held his hand over his mouth, trying not to laugh.

Peter nodded solemnly. “Definitely a wendigo. Be careful out there. They're the hungriest in the winter.”

Andy grimaced and took a long swig of wine. “I don’t think I wanna go to Lake of the Woods fishing again, Peter.”

He shrugged. “I’m an eighth Cherokee. They know I have the blood of the ancestors.” He drained his glass of wine and poured more from the bottle. He also refilled everyone else’s glasses, and once he was done he inspected the bottle. “Welp, it looks like that’s it.”

“Thank you. We should get to bed soon anyway,” Scott said.

I sipped my wine and looked at Andy. “So what do you guys do? You seem like such a nice family,” I said.

Andy smiled and stared into her glass. Her posture had become more slack and casual. “Oh, I teach special needs elementary school students. Peter is an engineer at Case IH.”

“Ah, no wonder you’re so nice,” I said and smiled at her.

Andy blushed a little. “Oh, you’re sweet. It’s…a lot. But very rewarding.” She paused and smiled mischeviously at Peter. “I use the same skills to deal with Peter and the kids,” she said and chuckled.

Scott laughed uneasily and I smiled. “My mom is a huge bitch,” I said, and a moment after I uttered the words my face felt hot.

Andy frowned. “I’m sorry, sweetie. Are you alright now? How is your relationship with her?”

I can’t say why exactly, but I couldn’t help myself. All at once the misery of dealing with my mother came upon me. Was it because I was drunk? Because I’d talked to her earlier in the day and had to lie to her? I’m still not sure. My eyes stung and my vision became blurry and I tried to dab my eyes with my sweatshirt sleeve but it was obvious I was crying.

Andy set down her glass and knelt next to me. She put her arm around me. “It’s okay, sweetie. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

I shook my head and kept mopping up my tears. I felt Scott’s hand on my shoulder.

“It’s just…she’s so nice to me when I’m sad, but she hates me when I’m happy,” I said, honestly. “How can she be like that? Doesn’t she love me?”

Peter shook his head and sipped his wine. “She is unhealed.”

Andy nodded. “He isn’t right very often, but he’s right about that. It’s not your fault, sweet girl. I can tell you’re a good person.”

I completely lost my composure at that point and degraded into shivering sobs. “Your kids are so lucky,” I said haltingly. “I wish I had a mom like you.”

Andy pulled me into an embrace and I cried into her hair and smelled her perfume that reminded me of my mom. I don’t think my mom held me like that since I had my chicken pox.

Scott stood. “I’m so sorry. We’re very tired and have had a long day. I think we’ll go to our room. Thank you for everything. I’m so sorry.”

Andy nodded and released me from her embrace, and I felt Scott pull me to my feet. I didn’t resist, because I knew I was falling apart and I’d already made a fool of myself in front of these kind people.

“Nothing to be sorry for,” Andy said. “It was nice talking to you two. I hope you have a nice New Year.”

I wiped the tears from my eyes to see Peter, red faced and solemn, nod. “You two have spiritual work to do.”

Andy lightly slapped his shoulder. “Peter!”

“Thank you guys. I’m so sorry,” I mumbled as Scott hooked his arm through mine and guided me out of the room.

When we got into our room I felt the tension between Scott and I. I went to the bathroom and filled one of the little plastic cups with water and drank it greedily. Scott took off his shirt and changed into a pair of sweatpants. I laid down in the bed while he used the restroom and I listened as he washed his hands before he got into the bed next to me.

“I’m really sorry,” I whispered.

He sighed. “It’s alright.”

“Are you mad at me?” I asked.

“No, Christine. Try to get some sleep.”

I nestled close to him and he put his arm around me. “I just wanted to talk to some normal people,” I said softly.

“They aren’t normal,” Scott said.

I was exhausted and couldn’t think before I spoke. “Neither are we.”

Scott sighed. “I know.”

“Do you still love me?” I asked weakly.

“Yeah,” he said.

I listened to his breathing and his heart beat. “I could do it, you know. I could switch to Environmental Sciences and work for the DNR and live in Lake of the Woods.”

“You don’t want that.”

“Maybe I do now that I made it up.”

“Christine. Please stop.”

I sighed. “You don’t love me, then.”

“You’ve had too much to drink. Go to sleep,” he said and withdrew his arm before he turned on his side, away from me.

I laid awake until I could hear his breathing change, then I poured another glass of wine and took my notebook to the lobby to write this entry. This is the first time I’ve felt him reject me like this and it hurts but nothing will matter soon. Maybe things will be better tomorrow. It’s still snowing but the sky is looking like the sun is coming up. The staff will be here soon and I should sleep.