Dec 26, 2008

        I’m so happy, but so exhausted. This entry is probably gonna be short because I haven’t slept yet. This is important though.

        After I finished writing my last very long entry I changed into a tee-shirt and sweatpants and sat on the side of my bed and I kissed Scott a few times to wake him up. He does this very sweet thing where even when he’s asleep, if I kiss him he kisses me back. I almost didn’t wanna wake him up but I couldn’t help myself.

        “Scott,” I whispered.

        His eyes slowly opened and he sighed. “What time is it?” he asked.

        I looked at my watch. “Uh, 7:15?”

        He winced as he looked to the window where the sunlight was pouring in. “Jesus. Come here, Christine. Why don’t we try to sleep a little longer?”

        I shrugged. “I haven’t slept yet.”

        He looked at me, incredulous. “What? What do you mean?”

        I sighed. “I stayed up all night. I feel like shit, though.”

        He sat up and rubbed his eyes. “What were you doing all this time?”

        I smiled a little and thought about the journal I had shoved in my bag in the closet. I couldn’t have him know I was writing everything down, not yet. “Nothing. Just thinking.”

        “Thinking?” he asked as he looked at me like I was insane.

        I felt a little embarrassed. “Um…I have like…insomnia,” I lied.

        He shook his head. “That’s horrible…no wonder you feel like shit. I feel like shit and I actually slept alright.”

        I smiled and laid down next to him. “It’s alright. I’m used to it. I’ll sleep today. Sometimes it's easier for me when it’s light out.”

        I laid on my side facing away from him and he pulled me close to him by my waist. “You poor girl. You should see someone about that.”

        Somehow, through my exhaustion from sobering up and writing for five hours, I was still wanting to have sex with Scott. I had a moment of wishing I had this sort of motivation to write for my college English classes.

        I pushed my butt closer to him and it felt like he was hard. His arm was around me so I took his hand in mine and guided it over my breasts. I wasn’t wearing a bra, just one of my NDSU workout tee-shirts.

I felt his breath on my neck and shuddered. “Christine,” he whispered.

I pushed his hand down from my chest to the band of my sweatpants. “Yeah, Scott?” I felt a deep ache inside me.

He took a deep breath. “Alright.” I felt his hand creep under the front of the thong I was wearing and before I could think his fingers were between my legs, massaging me. I was surprised how wet I felt. I let him continue for a while until I felt like I was really close, then I rolled over to face him. I pressed my lips to his.

We made out for a while and he continued touching me, and my hand found his penis conveniently poking out from his boxers. I’ve never been very good at handjobs. Paul tried to show me the right way but I always got impatient and wanted to have him inside me instead.

“Can we?” I asked weakly.

Scott breathed into my lips. “Yeah.” He fumbled to remove his boxers.

I sat up and threw my shirt on the floor before kicking my sweatpants and thong off. We laughed as we got into position on the little twin bed. I pulled Scott’s face close to mine and kissed him deeply.

His body felt pleasantly heavy on mine and I positioned him so he could push into me. He hesitated. “You’re…sure?” he asked.

“Oh my god, please!” I said, more petulantly than I intended.

“I’m gonna disappoint you,” he whispered and sighed and closed his eyes as he slid inside me, probably easier than he expected.

I pulled him deeper inside me and he groaned. I writhed under him and felt warm electricity run through my body. He felt very hot and hard and I figured I didn’t have much time until he’d have to pull out. “I thought of you in this bed so many nights,” I whispered.

“Yeah?” he asked, his voice wavering.

“Yeah…before I’d been with anyone,” I murmured. “I wanted you to be first.”

He slowed down and breathed heavily into my neck. “God, Christine…”

I was shivering, at the brink. “The first time I came, I was right here thinking of you,” I whispered. Was this true? I can’t remember right now but it might as well have been.

He pushed into me deep and slow a couple more times and the warm electricity spread through me and I felt my eyes roll into the back of my head. I tensed my body and held my breath and felt my nails digging deep into Scott’s shoulders. I tried to focus on his face but every other sense was so overwhelming I felt I was going blind. The way he moved in the next few seconds was so perfect, I wasn’t expecting it, and it felt like I was flying into the sun and then everything went static like an old TV screen.

The next thing I felt was Scott’s breath in my neck and hot liquid on my stomach. “I’m sorry…” he whispered and laid beside me.

I took a few seconds to catch my breath and collect myself. “No, no, don’t be sorry…you’re perfect,” I said weakly as I pressed my legs together, the wave still rolling through me, and wiped tears from my eyes. “I think I saw God,” I whispered, almost sobbing.

Scott caressed my face. “Is that…good?” he asked.

I took a deep breath and looked at him. “Well I was looking at you, and it felt like I died…in the best way.”

He took a long breath. “That’s so good. I thought I’d disappoint you, not being able to last more than two minutes.”

I kissed him deeply. “You lasted longer than I did.”

“I can do better than that, I promise.”

I shook my head. “You’re so good, so perfect, and you can’t even see it. There’s so much I wanna say, but I won’t…” I sat up and grabbed my tee-shirt from the floor and wiped up the liquid on my stomach. I laid back and pressed the shirt to my face and breathed in the smell.”I’m never washing this,” I said.

Scott laughed and took the shirt from my face and kissed me. “You can wash it, Christine. I can give you as much of that as you want.”

“I don’t know about that,” I said, my voice sounding more depressed than I intended. “I don’t think I’ll be around very long.”

He laid his head down on my chest and sighed. “I’m sorry, Christine. I’m not sure where to go from here.”

I ran my hands through his hair and thought about going back to college. I thought about not going back to college, the dark alternative. Could he fit into what was left of my life, either way? What about what happened with Roxanne? Did I care at this point? Where was my dignity, morality?

“I have to pee, and I don’t think I can sleep around you right now,” I said abruptly.

Scott got up hastily. “Yeah. I can get out of here and let you rest. Um…I had a really nice day, Christine. If you wanna see me you can call me.”

I nodded. “I do wanna see you. Please understand that. I just meant that I can’t focus on anything else when you’re here…would you wanna come back tonight?”  

Scott nodded as he gathered his clothes from the floor and got dressed. “Yeah. I wanna come back if you want me to.” He leaned down to kiss me. I wanted to tell him that I loved him.

“Please don’t forget about me,” I whispered, pathetic.

He scoffed and shook his head. “You’re all I’m gonna be thinking about. I can’t wait to see you again. Sleep well, pretty girl.” We kissed deeply before I waved him away and I heard the door close behind him.

Keeping up with this writing has been hard, in this level of detail. I feel like it’s worth it, though. I’m not re-reading anything now but someday I think this will matter to me or maybe the people who love me.

I’m feeling less hopeless, but any hope I have is probably delusional. I want Scott to love me, but why? It’s not like we could…oh, I don’t know. Maybe we could. I think people here hate me at worst and are indifferent to me at best. We could be nobody together. I think I’m getting ahead of myself. Maybe he’s just lonely and likes my attention.

But I feel lovesick already. I keep replaying everything that’s happened and I just feel so alive. The finality I was seeking on this trip just isn’t there. I want to continue and that scares me because chances to end things so cleanly, without interference, don’t come around often.

***

        I just got up from a really long nap. I slept like I was dead and I don’t remember dreaming at all. It’s like 8 pm and I’m still groggy even though I must have slept for at least 11 hours.

I wrote so much and I keep telling myself not to read it. I can’t always remember everything I write but if I read it I think I’ll feel disgusted and embarrassed and stop. I really hate how I write and I don’t think I’m any good at it, but that isn’t what this is about. I need to remember that.

I’m about to call Scott and take a shower. I want to ask him if he’ll spend over again but this time we can try to actually sleep. I’m still so tired but I want him, and I should fix my sleep pattern and not stay up all night.

***

        I just got out of the shower and Scott should be here shortly. It feels nice to feel clean again. I’m wearing a tee-shirt with no bra and sweatpants, really slumming it tonight. I hope he doesn’t mind but I told him on the phone that I just wanted to have a slumber party and that I’d be sober. He thought that was a good idea.

I haven’t eaten anything today but I think I’m too tired to bother. I’ll have a cigarette instead.